Capitol Steps Put Your Cans in the Hand lyrics

[Note that there are multiple versions of every Capitol Steps song, as the lyrics occasionally change from performance to performance. This is the album version.]

TSA Guard:
Ladies and gentlemen, as you make your travel plans during this busy holiday season, we know that you have your choice of invasive airport security measures. That's why I'm here tonight on behalf of the TSA to give you a little hands-on demonstration. Now of course, yes, we do have the full-body scanning devices, or as we prefer to call them in the biz, the "ISL-ISF machines," [laughs]…"I See London, I See France." But if you would prefer to have the vigorous full body pat-down, well, I would highly recommend that. And of course, as usual, some passengers will be randomly…[whistles]…selected for extra measures. Um, miss, step this way please, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to take that bottle of water. Thank you very much!

Every time I see a pretty girl in line, I just start hoping
She'll take the pat-down rather than the X-ray so I can start a-groping
Since the TSA said it's OK to be fondled by some slob
We've been flooded with complaints as well as applications for the job

So put your cans in the hands of the man who steals your water
Let this hunk give the junk in your trunk just a little squeeze
Well, now, you can start to do your part, just put your hands up please
And put your cans in the hands of a man with a GED

Passenger:
My momma taught me what to do with guys like you before I was seven
She said try avoiding guys who aren't fit to work at 7-Eleven

Guard:
Hey, now, while you're in line, your body's mine
Your backside could hide a gun


Passenger:
When you're groped by a dope
Then you know the terrorists have won

Guard:
I demand that you stand where the handbook says you oughta
I demand that you stand…

Passenger:
Just do what you must do…

Guard:
Let's see your ID, says your name is Lee

Passenger:
Well, once my name was Hugh
You're putting your hand on the gland of a trannie
So the jokes on you