Hemlock Smith The Stroy of Cpt. Death lyrics

Gather ‘round, little children, gather ‘round…

Today, I'm going to tell you the true story of the scariest man I've ever had the misfortune to meet; his name was Cpt. Death.

Cpt. Death was a pirate, you see, a cruel and vicious fella, by any modern standards. He cruised around on his mighty battleship, and he pillaged and he plundered, and he killed and he maimed, and he raped the girls and he cut the young men's throats and he threw the babies overboard, and all of this with a superior grin on his very, very ugly face.

But, children, the scariest thing about him really was his laugh. It came out of his foul and rotten mouth like the howl of the werewolf on Halloween or the growl of a very pissed off grizzly bear on any given Monday morning…
Oh! How you could hear him roar when he struck his sword onto a poor man's neck…does anyone want to play football with the rolling head?
Just for fun or, as he liked to put it, because it happened to be his job.

Well, he did all of this for a certain time but in the end, the Devil noticed that there was something going on. He checked his notebook and decided it was time to take Cpt. Death to other shores. He put on his most distinguished black hood and, one very cold and windy polar night, he appeared in the Captain's cabin and informed him in no uncertain terms that it was time to go.

Cpt. Death listened closely, while looking quite bored by his strange visitor. Finally, he gave a manly push to his dining table and all the plates, glasses, knives and forks went waltzing through the room like dukes and baronets on a spring day in Vienna. He then bolted out of his chair like a maniac, with his gigantic sword pointed directly towards his opponent, and shouted:
“I am Cpt. Death and I'm not going anywhere! I've got a job to do and I will not rest until it is completed! Now, get out, you miserable, hooded prick!”

The Devil smiled and answered politely:
“Indeed, I must admit that your job approval ratings are very high and, by all means, it is certain that you are very good at what you do. In that case, I shall go and leave you to it. But first, let me give you a present.”


“That's more like it”, said the captain and slowly put his sword away. When he looked up, he noticed a big, shiny black box standing in the corner of his cabin. This, certainly, hadn't been there before…

“What is it?”, he asked.
“I offered you a TV”, the Devil said. “It is a very recent model and you will be quite pleased with it. It will serve you well and will only have one single power over you. My esteemed friend, it will make you stay home.”
Having said this, the Devil bowed and quietly disappeared into thin air.

And so it came that, from this day on, Cpt. Death stayed home.

He stayed home and watched TV 24 hours a day, soap operas and reality shows, weird stuff about superstars and wannabe's, not forgetting weird animals and even weirder sports.
He liked all of it and almost couldn't bear to leave his set for a while, even to take a piss or get a beer.
Once a week, he would be forced out of his den, to buy groceries and the TV program. There he would stumble through the streets like a bearded ghost, oblivious to the cool sea breeze or the warmth of the southern winds. Every once in a while, he would vaguely remember that there had been something he had been doing before, before TV. But he would shrug it off nervously and quickly return to his gloomy and darkened place. You see, children, he didn't want to miss anything…

Well, it seems that Hell really can take any shape or form and, listen closely now, if there is a moral to this story, it must be that the Devil always, always succeeds in offering us things we don't really want.

Oh, isn't he the clever one…